Collaborative Divorce Coaching for Men

By Marvin L. Chapman, MFT, CFC

Lawyer@collaborativeattorney.com

First Truth

Men are familiar with feelings of anger, we have felt those feelings since childhood. We believe we know how to handle anger. Anger is also our defensive mechanism to get others to back off when we feel we are in corner or if we don’t know what’s going on. Anger is used when all else fails, our anger shuts people up.

Second Truth

There are three (3) basic elements that generally make up a man’s sense of self, his self-esteem, his feeling good about himself; they are...WORK, HOME and SEXUALITY.

For women these are known as: MONEY, FAMILY and INTIMACY.

Third Truth

In family law, we are directly hitting a man in at least (2) of the three (3) areas that make up his sense of self, self-esteem and feeling good about himself... WORK, HOME

Conclusion

If we hold the above truths to be facts: Then it not surprising to know that the initial reaction from men in family law are feelings of frustration or anger at the other party, at the other party’s attorney, at the adversarial process or at some other portion of the adversarial family law process which is impacting upon at least two (2) of the primary areas that make up the male psychic.

Men Feel Helpless Within Family Law

In my 25 years of dealing with men in family court at United Fathers of America, I have noticed that the initial feelings of frustration and anger in men come from an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Someone or something has control over their work or money issues and over their home or family issues and they feel helpless to do anything about it.

In the collaborative model, the man’s coach is there to help make sense of the man’s frustration and anger, to help him deal with those feelings in a pro-active and positive manner. This model allows, encourages and rewards the man when he is able to funnel his feelings into productive work on the restructuring family.

Another area challenging the male coach is helping the man get through the rough spots where fighting it out appears to be much easier than dealing with all of the feelings and concerns about the future. By keeping the emotional issues from getting in the way of the restructuring process, we can work on what is ultimately best for the family, both now and for the future.

The inclusion of the educational and informative team approach also helps the man understand that the collaborative family law process can be used as a healing tool, a benefit of which is a safe, supportive and encouraging environment for difficult conversations. This allows the man the opportunity to not only to work through his own feelings of frustration and anger, abut also to look at the bigger picture of how his restructuring family is going to look after the process is over.

By enlisting the man as an agent of positive change and requesting his input into all areas of his restructuring family, it allows for the man to feel a part of the process affecting his life rather than a bystander watching his life disappear.

I believe the most dynamic and essential part of the collaborative process is that it empowers the family to remain responsible for their own decisions and facilitates their taking responsibility for their own marital affairs. This process results in mutually created resolutions, giving family members the tools for effective problem-solving in the future.